Pursuing Purpose

Every time I logged on my computer a little box would flash up in the corner telling me that my storage was almost full and I needed to do something about it or else my computer would have issues. I ignored it as long as I could and then this last week finally managed to find time to enter into the ‘management’ of files in order to make some more space on my hard drive.

It actually turned out to be quite a fun venture as the largest files on my computer were presented to me in one place for me to sort and determine what could be deleted. There were so many treasures – videos of the girls from years gone by: having fun as a band, performing the nativity, telling stories with much drama and amazing articulation – and amidst all those, I came across videos William and I recorded on our 6th wedding anniversary sharing the journey of how our relationship came to be.

The story of our relationship is quite the journey and very much woven through with God’s kindness, wisdom, mercy and leading. Listening to it this week I was encouraged and thankful – not least because the season of crying babies (which meant that the video ended up being in three parts) is past, but also because in remembering what God did and spoke did there is fresh strength – so we want to share our story with you. Enjoy!

With lots of love, William and Clare

Someone once told me that there is a single word in the German language which encapsulates the feelings and process involved specifically in preparing to travel – the anticipation, excitement, slight anxiety, the venturing into the unknown… I haven’t had time to research or verify that word, but I was reminded of being told about it when I woke this morning. It’s 5:30am and even though I am absolutely sure my body needs more sleep than I’ve had, an hour ago sleep became elusive because of ‘that word’, well, rather, everything summed up by that word!

For the first time in over 4 years, today we are embarking on a trip back to the USA. The little girls were so young the last time we flew that they don’t remember much and oh, are they excited now that they are much more aware! We have a fair few stories from traveling with the girls over the years (many involving throw up!) – with hindsight it is easier to laugh and see the funny side, but in preparing to travel there are maybe still elements of fear and anxiety wrapped up in the memories of such stories. And maybe, just maybe, my determination that each child carry a spare set of clothes or two, along with various kinds of bags & wipes, within their own little backpacks, stems from those experiences.

Having moved house 10 days ago, with the end of the school year only days before that, with 3 round trips to Bromley (4 hours driving each time) in the last week and with all 4 girls having been sick to some degree through the last 2 weeks, it’s fair to say that we’ve been running rather relentlessly. I think there is a deep level of tiredness and we’ve not had time to really think or prepare for traveling in the way that we might have, had we not been so ‘on-the-go’, yet the familiar anticipation about the journey is here this morning, along with the excitement and anxiety about the unknown weeks ahead. Will we make it there? Have we packed what we need? How will the girls be on the long flight? Will anyone have a meltdown on the plane? Will the sickness that has been lurking, threatening, kept just at bay, catch up with William and I once we get there & slow down? So many uncertainties. And though we all face uncertainties on a daily basis, there seems to be some added dimension to them when there is the expectation and hope (& travel) of an actual holiday mixed in!

Though those questions come, the anxieties rise up, the aching tiredness seem so very real, there’s also the reminder that there is One who is greater than all that, who holds all things in His hands and who watches over us with a love and care and kindness incomparable. Last night Ruth was having trouble getting to sleep… having been in bed maybe an hour already, she got up and asked if we would read her some ‘palms’. She’s doing absolutely brilliantly with her reading but the ‘ps’ sound is not one she’s understood yet (understandably!). So I sat with her and read some psalms to her, thankful for the reminder that God is our strength, our rock, our fortress, our deliverer, our shield, the One we can find refuge in. And come what may, we’re going with Him and in Him and can trust moment by moment, whatever they hold, that He’ll give us what we need. Oh how I continually need that reminder!!

Although there is always a desire to just be at the destination without the journey to get there, I’ve learnt over the years that the journey is important. The transition, the time waiting, the sitting, the processing amidst the travel… in spite of the stories that have accompanied many of our travels in the past, there is a gratitude for the time it takes to travel to the destination. And though traveling with 4 young-ish children generally doesn’t make for a restful, peaceful travel experience, they will be confined to a seat and I’m hopeful for a little more brain space and time to reflect on the weeks that have been – the move to a new house, the goodbyes, the many changes that have happened over the last few weeks – all of which I feel like I’ve made it through ‘in the moment’ but without having time to really appreciate or process the transition.

Pray for us!! And I’ll endeavor to update you on how it went in the next blog! And thank you… we appreciate you journeying along with us from afar!

Over the years as William and I surrendered our lives to God, we knew life would be an adventure and not ‘planned’ or determined by us, but yielded to following His leading and going wherever He wanted us to go. That journey lead us from Florida to England in 2019 and for the past four years we have been planted in Bromley (south London). We’ve known for the last year that William’s contract here would end this summer and have been seeking to hear God’s will for what’s next for us.

There’s a joy in journeying with God… an excitement about adventure into unknown and the discovery of how He is going to lead and speak and make known His ways to us. Our move to England was made abundantly clear to us through Him speaking in many ways (if you haven’t read that story you can read it here) and so faith has been built to believe that He will again make clear to us where we are to be. Sometimes the signs are maybe not so loud and clear, but there is new learning, new trusting, new ways of hearing and seeing as we continue to journey. And here we now stand with another real transition in sight.

I don’t think transition is easy. We get comfortable, find rhythm and patterns, friends and recognizable faces, become familiar with life as it is and have a tendency to not want change, even if at the same time we do want change! There’s a tension, and navigating through that to trust and peace can be a challenge. Especially with four girls in the mix too! But we’re embracing it and walking through the ups and downs and ins and outs of change.

So, where are we going and how did God lead? Not too long before we moved to England, a friend of mine encouraged William to apply for a job as pastor of a church in a village on the Hampshire/Berkshire border. We were pretty sure we were coming to Bromley Town Church but since God hadn’t specifically said that, we thought we’d just make sure by pushing the door with this interview. It closed, and we’ve gratefully known that these last 4 years we’ve been exactly where we were supposed to be. Over the last 18 months or so as we’ve prayed for God’s leading we’ve been looking for any leading or open doors. The friend who encouraged William to apply for the job four and a half years ago, has a number of times (along with his family) said that he’s really felt we would be a good fit for their church. It’s been a gentle journey of discovery in some senses… a pushing on the door and it opening a little, pushing a little more and it opening some more… discussions and dreams, shared thoughts and ponderings… until an agreed sense all round that this is God’s idea and plan for us. So in August, once the girls finish their school year, we will move from the busyness of Bromley and jump into rural life to be a part of Mortimer West End Chapel.

When you’ve made friends and been part of a church, school and local community for a number of years, leaving pulls at the heart. The girls are sad with the idea of leaving the school they have been so happy at these last years… they love their teachers and friends and it has been a wonderfully nurturing school. For me it also feels like a loss because Katherine particularly, has been so loved and included and celebrated there. We’ve been encouraged though, by a good friend, who on hearing about the move and knowing our current school situation, felt such stirring of faith and a leap of joy, believing that God was saying what’s ahead is going to be even better! We’re clinging on to that and it’s a comfort to us as we begin to face the upheaval of a school and house move.

There is much that is exciting about the move, which helps bring balance amidst the swings between the thoughts of leaving and loss, and the adventures of the new ahead. Having more space and the possibility of keeping chickens, riding bikes and climbing trees is high on the list for the girls! And for us there is beauty in a smaller community of believers who are seeking to follow God into a new season and we look forward to becoming a part of the church family there.

We would be grateful for your prayers in these few months ahead as we prepare to pack up the house (it’s amazing how much stuff we’ve accumulated in 4 years of being here in England!), seek a new school for the girls, begin new phases of relationships here and build new relationships there. We’re thankful for the time of transition and that, in some ways, it is a little more gradual and gentle than the move from America to England!

And we will endeavor to keep you updated!

Last night, had you been a fly on the wall in our dining room, you might have experienced anything from horror to compassion to judgment to deep amusement watching the goings on around the meal table. I’ll try to give you a snapshot into our not-so-pretty, but currently fairly typical family life. Meal times usually begin with our youngest declaring ‘DISGUSTING’ with guttural force as soon as she sees whatever is on the plate in front of her – pretty much no matter what that is – then a swift push of the plate away from her and a refusal to eat. Last night was no different and when we stopped to say thank you to the Lord for the meal, she ‘blah, blah, blahhed’ her way through it fairly loudly, in spite of encouragement to not do so. (As I write this I want you to know I’m not intending to paint a bad picture of our sweet youngest… she’s awesome and she’s 5 and she’s growing & learning & testing all the time… I’m just sharing a little of reality and how God is speaking in the midst of it.)

So mealtime continued with a bit of chat about the day, continual encouragement to eat, some bickering between the girls and the middle two arguing about the placement of their legs on their chairs and who was at fault when their legs touched (also applied to elbows and hands too), and Ruth continuing to grump about the disgusting food before her and wanting to know what she had ‘lost’ because of her behavior prior to dinner (she had stabbed Abigail in the back with a metal peg she’d found under the sofa). The loss of dessert was one of the consequences and when she found out (not yet having had a bite of main course) there was weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth! Oh the misery! [The slightly funny thing is, we’re doing Whole 30 at the moment as a family so dessert has typically become sliced pear or apple, some almonds & pistachios…but the loss of it was still enough to be a devastating consequence in the life of our precious 5 year old – although we’ve discovered she does love almonds & pistachios!]

We were earlier than usual eating dinner yesterday, so although we had planned to take Ruth up to bed sooner than usual, 5:30pm seemed a little TOO early! So we postponed dessert and William suggested I get the guitar out and we spend some time in worship. One of Katherine’s favourite songs is ‘Waymaker’ so it was the first one we did… except that it looked like this: me with guitar on one side of the table, Ruth half sitting, half lurching next to me, trying to stop me playing and untune the guitar, Audrey next to her but with chair turned with the back to the table and sitting facing away from everyone, upset after another argument, Katherine at the end of the table with her little guitar, having snuck in Daddy’s seat, but perturbed at me not having a spare plectrum, William on the other side trying to close his eyes to the chaos & misery around him, and Abigail opposite me slowly finishing up food, feeling less than happy but playing with a pop open purse. Sometimes you have to just do things by faith believing that as you set your eyes on God, the atmosphere might change. It was a challenge. But when we got to the refrain, “Even when I don’t see it, You’re working; Even when I don’t feel it, You’re working; You never stop, You never stop working; You never stop, You never stop working!”, as we sang it it began to go deeper in my spirit. In spite of the crying and the growling and the muttering and the mutiny around me – and at times the utter frustration and feeling of failure and overwhelm and inability as a parent – it was a declaration of faith to my heart and soul. I may not see it or feel it, but God, YOU ARE working. You don’t stop. I was thankful for truth to hold on to.

There was grace too. Maybe the atmosphere changing was just inside my own heart. Even throughout bedtime and although Ruth continued to yell even after they were all in bed, I could smile and know that there was refining happening, that how we respond matters (not that we necessarily got it right even a quarter of the time), that we are learning as much as the girls are learning, and that even if I don’t see it, He is WORKING. And when I went in to deal with Ruth’s yelling, Abigail was lying in bed singing,
“Lord of Hosts, You’re with us,
With us in the fire,
With us as a shelter,
With us in the storm
You will lead us
Through the fiercest battle
Oh, where else would we go
But with the Lord of Hosts“, and there was grace to speak tenderly to our little fireball until her eyes were heavy with sleep and the yelling faded to a whisper.

Last night, in context of writing a poem beginning ‘Emmanuel, God with us’, some friends asked the question, ‘What does Jesus’ birth mean to you?’ It got me pondering.

I love the poetry, depth of the words and the cry in the beautiful carol, ‘O Come, O Come, Emmanuel’ (and here’s another less traditional version). It’s not your typical Christmas carol but tells a story through its lyrics… a story my heart connects with, maybe because it has the same cry. There are a number of different versions of the lyrics and many more of the song performed, but the first lyrics I happened to pull up had (what I think are) the full five verses… which few performances seem to include, yet so rich are they in depth and cry and promise.

You see, if I had to pull out the key thing that Jesus’ birth means to me right now, it is redemption. Although ‘redemption’ in Christian talk typically refers to Jesus’ death saving us from sin, there is so much more to it and for me this carol taps into some of those depths.

It takes me into the story of Israel, into the history of God’s working throughout generations… connecting me with those whom God had chosen to be His people and their desperate cry for freedom and to live in what had been long promised, their pain at the loneliness and lostness of exile, their reaching for hope in spite of the oppression, the gloomy clouds and dark shadows. So many stories throughout the Old Testament woven into the ache of this carol, as well as the echo of the prophets who spoke of the One to come. Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel SHALL come to thee, O Israel! It speaks to me of His faithfulness, because He did come. The prophecies were fulfilled, our heavenly home was opened wide and a safe way was made that leads on high.

I find myself in this season knowing that a way has been made, knowing that Jesus has come, knowing that death’s dark shadows have been put to flight… yet aching and yearning for the Dayspring to again cheer us with His drawing nigh. Sometimes I feel like I’m an oddball, other times I wonder whether all humanity feels this. For me there’s a tension, a ‘was’ and ‘is’ and ‘will be’ that I find myself in the ebb and flow of… He’s come, He’s here and He’s coming; I have been redeemed, I’m being redeemed, I’m going to be redeemed. There are depths and layers, ups and downs, the tension of these held together… some times filled with the victory and hope of all these, some times battling to even see any of them from the dark valleys filled with gloomy clouds. But the refrain and the promise remains whether in the was, is or will be: Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

So, redemption… to be redeemed… why does Jesus’ birth mean this to me? Common synonyms of redeem are deliver, ransom, reclaim, rescue, and save. While all these words mean “to set free from confinement or danger,” redeem implies releasing from bondage or penalties by giving what is demanded or necessary. The dictionary definition also talks of the action of regaining or gaining possession of something in exchange for payment, or clearing a debt. Quite simply, if it wasn’t for Jesus I wouldn’t be here. I’ve already known His redemption – He has set me free…delivered, rescued, saved me – and yet I’m in a season where God has spoken of the more to come, so I’m living with hope and expectation of a release from the insecurities, the fears, the shame, the resistance to trust – and the many other things that hold me back – into a freedom that I’ve never known before. And I’m also living with the reality that there are many things that war against gaining possession of the forthcoming freedom. Like the Israelites mourning in exile and calling for their ransom from captivity and for freedom from Satan’s tryanny, I ache for the ‘is to come’, yet have the confidence that God’s faithfulness to COME, just as He came as a baby, remains the same today. He has already done it. He’s already given what was demanded for my release. Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel SHALL come to you, O Clare!

Over the summer I learnt something from my youngest, Ruth. I don’t think I’ve ever known a child ask as many ‘what if’ or ‘what would happen if’ questions as she does. It was fairly constant throughout the summer and honestly I was a little exasperated and worn down by them at times and wondering how her teachers would survive the constant barrage come September! But then one day on holiday we were running down a hillside together and as the questions continued I began to listen in a different way… “What if I was a purple octopus and you had to dive into the ocean to feed me every day?” “What if I was Linda’s dog’s twin sister and lived with her?” “What if all the planets actually made a floaty around God’s waist?” Instead of brushing them off or responding to her with an ‘I don’t know’, I engaged with her and entered her world of imagination and wonder. The frustration reduced and the fun increased! What a world of ‘What if’s?’ she lives in… wow! She has quite the imagination and a great dose of creativity, and over the weeks since then it has provoked me to ask more (though distinctly lame by comparison) ‘What if’ questions.

For me, with Ruth starting school, there has been a shift in season. For the first time in almost 10 years I am getting to have some child-free space and time. I love the girls dearly, but never have I felt so ready for and in need of a new season! Over the summer I wondered and anticipated what it might look like, and have been praying that God would show me what I’m to do and how I’m to be in this season. I’ve felt not to rush into ‘doing’ anything particular, though there are plenty of things I know I could give my time to volunteer doing! As a backdrop, we’re also as a family in a season of seeking God and wondering what’s next, as William’s contract at BTC will finish at the end of the school year in July 2023… just 10 months from now. We don’t have any clarity or real direction at the moment, just a couple of doors that we’re gently pushing to see if they lead to anything! But with that backdrop I have sensed the need to work on bringing some order in the house – we’ve accumulated lots of ‘stuff’ over the last 3 and a half years here in England and I need to sort it from top to bottom…paperwork, clothes, toys, etc… in case we will be moving. So it’s time for some purging!

And I don’t think the purging is going to just be physical. To purge means to rid of whatever is impure or undesirable, to cleanse, to purify, to free… and God has been speaking to me about a new season of freedom. The summer holidays were full of much inner wrestling and battle, feeling out-of-sorts and disconnected in some ways, even amidst some great weeks’ away as a family. But as we came towards the end of August and the girls prepared to go back to school, these words from the Song of Songs struck so deep in my heart: “I have come as you have asked to draw you to My heart and lead you out. For now is the time, My beautiful one. The season has changed, the bondage of your barren winter has ended, and the season of hiding is over and gone.” (2:10-11 TPT) One night, in the same week that this had struck me, I also had a picture come to my mind. It was so vivid and unusual for me that I couldn’t sleep and by 1am I was compelled to get up and sketch it, partly because I was afraid of forgetting it. Through it I sensed God was saying to me that He’s going to set me free in this coming season in such a way that my current state will seem like death in comparison, and that creativity and new life are going to come forth. Quite a promise!

Now many of you who have known me for some time know that already my life has been transformed by Jesus… radically… and that change was as though I was a dead person, unable to function, who was raised to life. And God has continued to lead and shape me over the last 17 years since that transformation. Yet here He is telling me that what my life looks like now, and how I am now, will seem like death compared to what is coming. Woah! Now that’s exciting. There are many things that for many years I have longed (ached, prayed, cried, etc) to be free from – insecurity, fear, shame, mindsets… to name a few – and I believe that this year, whatever it looks like, is going to be a time of transformation and God doing a deep work in my heart.

So back to the ‘what if’ questions. In the context of what the Lord has been speaking to me and in relation to some of the connections He brought over the summer, I began to sense that part of this new season is going to be creative – that is, exploring creativity in a way that I haven’t done before. Since having the girls there has been little energy or time for much creativity and it honestly hadn’t really been on my mind until I sketched the picture God gave me a few weeks ago. A week or so later I was lying in bed and had a thought… “What if I could create and make some money creating?” It was actually a whole series of thoughts and what if’s because of conversations I’ve had recently about discovering who I am besides being ‘mum’, the desire to do pottery, painting, some courses and the reality that these things need resources and (for the most part) cost money. So, in spite of fears and the negative voices of ridicule and more that want to keep me from doing so, I’m offering the painting that you see in this post for sale… it’s an acrylic painting on canvas of the picture God gave me about the freedom He is going to bring. If anyone is interested I’m taking bids starting at £30… you can respond here, email, text, call or yell!

And to wrap up this post, here are some photos from the hot, dry summer holidays that we had this year!

Parenting is one of the greatest joys of my life and also one of the greatest challenges. In these last few weeks we’ve been seeing some patterns and behaviors in our girls that need to be nipped in the bud. Living in the Kingdom of God our standards are to be His and not the standards of the world around us… so whilst some things may be acceptable according to the world’s eyes, they aren’t to ours… not because we’re any better than anyone else, but simply because we are called His and our lives are no longer our own and are lived for His glory.

This morning I had a particularly challenging walk to school with the girls… I’ll mention no names but one of the girls got in a temper because I didn’t want her to run towards the road we have to cross and she didn’t want to stop (she wanted to be FIRST). This certain young lady has a formidable temper (& voice) and great determination. One of her sisters, who was vying for control and ‘first position’ in the daily (unwanted) ‘whose-going-to-lead’ race, wasn’t helping matters as she wouldn’t back down, which meant that the last 100 metres or so of the walk to school looked (and sounded) like I was seriously hurting my child, when in fact I was simply trying to get her to walk and not lie on the pavement, whilst also trying to keep track of three others and get them into school. The enemy loves these moments to tell you that you’re rubbish, that your kids are going to hate you and that you should be ashamed of how you treat your children and that everyone around you is judging you for your rubbish parenting and badly behaved children. Oh, he knows how to rub it in in those moments. I walked home crying, unable to hold back tears, trying to avoid all the usual people I see on the school run.

A few weeks ago, in the course I’m doing called ‘The Prophetic Voice of God’, Lana Vawser spoke about the scripture from The Song of Solomon (2:15) “Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom.” As I’ve been asking the Lord to show me the foxes and teach me how to catch them, He’s faithfully been revealing some things that hinder fruit growing. One of these things is shame. I looked at various dictionaries definitions of shame and came to this: Shame is a painful emotion and feeling of embarrassment or humiliation caused by the belief that one is, or is perceived by others to be, inferior or unworthy of affection or respect because of one’s dishonorable, immoral or improper actions, thoughts, circumstances, or experiences.

One of the things that I love about this journey of getting to know God is having Him as my closest friend and being able to bring everything to Him. This morning I really felt the pain of shame and as I prayed the Holy Spirit showed me lots of other situations in my life where shame has been able to come in and in a sense, find a place to dwell. I read something a grieving widow wrote a week or so ago, about the hard work of facing pain and grief, working through it, feeling it and letting the Lord touch those places, and I was reminded of that this morning. Walking with the Lord and facing my sin and my shame is painful – in the past I worked so hard at burying such feelings and finding ways to cover them – but I know now that if I do face them and let God in to deal with them, there is freedom and healing and restoration.

And there is nothing like parenting to provoke feelings… the good, the bad and the ugly! Never have I felt so needy for wisdom, grace, patience, love! And at the same time never have I felt so loved. A week or two ago I was struggling with my lack of ‘alone time’. Ruth had had chicken pox and then one after the other the girls got a vomiting bug, so my two mornings weekly when all the girls are at school or nursery hadn’t happened for 2 weeks and my soul was feeling squeezed and I was wrestling with it. I cried out to the Lord, “How do I get time with You?” and immediately I heard, “Whatsoever you do to the least of these, you do unto Me.” One word from God changes everything. Immediately my perspective shifted. Immediately joy came. The revelation that as I put cold washcloths on my feverish daughters’ head I am actually ministering to God and being with Him, and that as I love them and hug them and practically care for them I am doing it for my Lord… it shifted something, caused my heart to bow and to be thankful. What a gracious God! What provision through His word! He really does know how to meet us in EVERY situation and to bring us through. I’m thankful for this journey and for how much God is using parenting to teach me, hone me, break me and restore me. His ways are not my ways!!

Last week I was at a board meeting and one of the discussions that we had provoked some anxiety and prayer… anxiety about the uncertainty of what’s ahead and prayer to counteract the anxiety! As I’ve pondered and prayed these last few days I’ve been reminding myself of how the Lord brought us here to England. He made it so clear that He was bringing us here that we have had confidence and certainty even in shaky times, that this is exactly where we are meant to be. So I’m going to share (to have a written reminder in one place, as well as to wonder at God’s awesome ways) the story of how we came to be in England. I even found my old journals to more accurately record dates!

August 7, 2017 – Orlando – I wrote in my journal: “The sense that we are going to be moving has been with me for a few months now and is increasing. I felt in prayer the other day that You said to ‘start packing’ in response to my question, “How can I be more active in faith in this season?””
The same day I also wrote that there were two other things that played into the sense that we’re going to be moving – both involving the response of silence from the Lord in response to two questions we were asking – 1) whether Abigail should start VPK (pre-school) and 2) where Ruth was going to go (room-wise) when she arrived.

December 28, 2017 (A little less than 6 weeks after Ruth was born) – Orlando – from my journal: “I’ve felt You speaking to continue packing and not let that fall by the wayside – You are going to move us. I believe Lord! At times I’ve lost hope in the waiting but there is a renewed sense that the move is coming and You want us ready.”

I have to say that when I first heard the Lord say to start packing and had the sense that we would be moving, I was fully convinced that it would be within commuting distance of Focal Point Church (FPC) – the church we were part of, serving at and had our lives very much invested and intertwined in… so in the first 6 months or so of packing, although we had no idea where we were going, we had the mindset that it wasn’t going to be too far away.

I think it was right around Christmas time that I went to the small Walmart not far from our house to pick up some groceries. I came out and found a small, green scrap of paper tucked under our windscreen wiper. It seemed like a really random collection of ‘Bible study verses’, but nothing in God’s kingdom is random! To be honest, we were really busy with four girls under four and though we kept the paper safe, it wasn’t until days later, maybe even a week, that we actually sat in bed and read through the scriptures listed. As we took turns reading them I began to cry as the Lord stirred in my heart a vision of something much bigger than I could comprehend. I couldn’t really grasp it or put words to it, but I just knew that hope for more was being restored. The season of waiting had been hard (and it was barely even half done at that point!)

To give a little context, William hadn’t been working since taking a sabbatical at the beginning of 2017 (following a couple of years project managing the building of FPC’s new church building) and we felt the need to contend for the ‘more’ – to be doing what we were created to do – and for every job option that had come up post-sabbatical we had sensed an immediate ‘no’. The Lord provided for us in amazing ways and we had no lack during the season of waiting, but it was such a challenging time saying no to many things but having no idea what the yes would be or when it would come!

At the beginning of March 2018 our dear Brazilian friend Helaine came to us with something she felt the Lord was saying. I remember standing in our kitchen having the conversation with her, and William and I both thinking, ‘No!’. I’m pretty sure I cried! (Even though we both had an internal ‘no’, it wasn’t ‘no’ to the Lord – both of us had immediate thoughts about Katherine – she had so many medical issues going on at the time that our ‘no’ was born out of thoughts surrounding moving with such medical needs). I found a text message she sent us on 3 March 2018 in which she summarized what she felt God was saying, so that we had it in writing too.

We continued to seek amidst a few months of great turmoil and struggle. In the summer we headed out on a road trip, destined to visit William’s parents & family in upstate New York. Somewhere in Georgia or Tennessee I received a message from a friend in England, who, in her message, told us that she had been prompted a few weeks before (unbeknownst to us) to ask friends of hers whether there was a possibility we could come and stay in their guest house for a few weeks to pray and seek the Lord. She had received word that they had said yes so was contacting us to propose that we have a trip to the UK! Within a few hours of that message William received a call from our senior pastor asking whether he would want to be considered for an associate pastor role at a church in England that FPC had affiliation with! It was the first offer that we didn’t sense an immediate ‘no’ to… and the fact that these two calls came so close together stirred us to wondering what God was up to (and to deeper surrender of our wills, thoughts, plans, ideas!)

After a wonderful trip visiting family and exploring more of the US, we headed back to Orlando and prayed earnestly that God would show us if we were to go to England. As we prayed we began to research some of the practicalities of a potential move to England – and just in looking at visas were overwhelmed at the cost that it would entail. After a day looking at costs we gathered with the girls to cry out to the Lord as cost seemed so prohibitive – we cried out that if He was indeed sending us, He would have to make a way and open the door for us. The very next day we received word from English friends who were visiting California and had been at a church the day before where they had shared communion in small groups. At the end of the service a couple who had been in their small group gave them $500 as a ‘sign of blessing of the relationship between the US & UK’. Our friends said they knew the money wasn’t for them, so went back to their hotel and prayed together as a family and felt it was for us. So the day after crying out to the Lord we were told of this $500 coming our way from someone we’d never met on the other side of the USA!! And awesomely, the friends from England were from the very church that William had had the offer of being considered for the associate pastor position for – but they had NO IDEA that this was in the works, that we had any thought of moving to England, or that we had been crying out to the Lord to make a way for the finances if He was moving us there!! It was yet another clear sign for us.

Packing had been ongoing over the months and the wall of boxes grew and grew! As the next step towards a possible move to England, we took up the offer of visiting for a month – the door was wide open and God provided EVERYTHING we needed – flights, transport in England and the most beautiful accommodation in glorious Yorkshire! He even blessed us with phenomenal weather – we were there late September to late October and it rained only 2 days and was sunny a fair bit of the time! It was an incredible time of refreshment and witnessing God’s provision. The place we stayed even had its own playground (complete with zipwire) and llamas!! The photos below give a glimpse of our month there.

Through our month in England, which included William going for an interview at the church, it became clearer that we were going to be moving here. Knowing our struggle regarding Katherine’s health, one of the things that the Lord had spoken to us was that He would take care of her and go before us to provide what we needed. Katherine had been g-tube fed for 3 years – since she was 6 months old – and though she was eating a little by mouth she didn’t get much chance to get really hungry because of the tube feeds. During a diaper (nappy) change one evening, half way through our trip, Ruth (aged 10.5 months) managed to grab hold of her tube and rip it & the button right out of her stomach. I hadn’t brought a spare button with us and as we were 45 minutes or so from the nearest hospital we prayed and decided there and then that we were done with the g-tube. We never looked back and it was another thing the Lord took care of (in an unexpected way!) ahead of moving. Incidentally, she’s now a great eater!

Back in the US the next 3 months were hectic with packing and preparations. Even though we had been packing gradually over the previous 18 months (and boy were we thankful that we had been!) there was much to do. Graciously, mercifully, God provided for us in another amazing way: A year or so before, I had been doing laundry – I remember exactly where I was standing when a thought dropped into my mind – a thought about a friend’s daughter coming out from England to help us. At the time I wasn’t sure how old she was, whether or not she’d finished school or what she was doing, but after some correspondence with her mum, some time and much prayer, Grace ended up coming out to stay with us (in her gap year) for our last 2 months before moving. Oh, what a gift, what timing and what provision it was for us! She was fantastic with the girls and a tremendous blessing amidst the stress and strain of preparing to move abroad.

Just before Christmas the girls got their British passports… gratefully, each entitled to British citizenship because I was born here. William was able to enter the UK and apply for a visa once here. Our crate of boxes was picked up a couple of weeks before we left, off on it’s journey to England by sea. We were blessed to be prayed over by our church before being sent off. Our leaving was delayed by the sudden death of William’s mom, but gratefully William was still in the US and able to get up to say goodbye and be with his Dad and siblings. Whilst he was gone, even with the extra, unexpected week, packing continued until the last minute and we left piles of bits and pieces that friends kindly dealt with after we left!

The Lord had been building our faith over the months and months of waiting – though at times we felt such lack in our faith – and we left America knowing for sure that God was going with us and before us. In fact, we left not knowing where we would be living or even staying the first night, but with the assurance that God knew and would provide. So when we arrived at the airport and were met by the senior pastor of the church here and he asked us where he was to take us to, we laughed nervously and said, “Let’s pray.” So pray we did and the Lord opened the door for us to stay at an Operation Mobilization guest house in Bromley for a few weeks until He miraculously provided a 4-bedroom detached house for us, in which we lived for the next 10 months.

Much has happened in the 3 years since we’ve been in England and we’ve continued to pray about our future and to seek God for the plans He has for us. William is in the process of extending his visa for another year as the church asked him to stay one more year – that will take us until March 2023. Beyond that we don’t have any idea where in the world we will be! Thankfully God does and He has good plans for us, so the battle is for our trust to be fully in Him in the waiting and uncertainty, reminding ourselves that thus far He has been faithful, has led us and made the path clear to us, and He can do it again too.

One of my lovely little girls, namely Katherine, decided that she was done with sleeping at about 1am last night! There seemed to be no rime nor reason as to why she thought that 1am was wake-up time, but some time later she managed to wake up Audrey (with whom she shares a room) and they both determined it was play time – putting the light on, giggling in Katherine’s bed and chatting away merrily. I don’t remember the times at which we got up – I know William went down first at 1am (I didn’t even hear her that time), then I at 1:30… but then it gets blurry! I spoke over the monitor to Katherine over the next hour or so (desperately tired and not wanting to get out of bed) and eventually went down again maybe around 3am feeling cross, impatient and exhausted.

Audrey (who I think, generously, may have been trying to help) had already dashed back to her bed and was quiet, whilst Katherine put her hands over her ears as I chided her and got her back in her sleeping bag and under her covers. I WAS frustrated, angry, tired and not tender in my chiding. She didn’t say anything until I told her I was taking away her new bedside light for the rest of the night – then she sobbed and sobbed sad tears and cries of remorse and, I think, fear – it’s not too often that I so strongly rebuke her. I leant over her and held her as she cried, kissing her soft wet cheeks and felt an overwhelming love for her and her tender heart – love that banished the anger and frustration of the situation.

When I went back to my bed a short while later, I was replaying the scenario in my mind when the Lord spoke to me. I was wondering if I’d been too harsh, if I’d caused her too many tears or been too angry and frustrated in my tiredness. This scripture came to mind:

“He will not always chide, nor will He keep His anger forever” (Psalm 103:9)

I had a sense of what the word ‘chide’ meant, but looked it up in various dictionaries for the sake of clarity: to speak to someone severely because they have behaved badly; to voice disapproval to; reproach in a usually mild and constructive manner; to speak out in angry or displeased rebuke; to scold.

I had definitely ‘chided’ Katherine. Yet as I lay there I felt the Lord show me His heart through this verse and showed me how I had expressed His heart to Katherine. He does at times chide us – disapprove of our behavior, voice disapproval, even speak to us severely – but He won’t be angry forever. His steadfast love is towards us and He will pour out that love and comfort and compassion and mercy the moment we turn to Him, confess our failing and give him our sorrow. Katherine’s pure cries melted my anger and frustration last night and caused my heart to pour out love and mercy and comfort upon her. What a beautiful, tender and loving Heavenly Father we have!

I started a course this week on hearing the voice of God (The Prophetic Voice of God by Lana Vawser) and a few things have deeply encouraged me just in the first session… 1) the desire God has to speak to me, to reveal secrets and mysteries to me, and to have me adventure with him daily; 2) increased expectation for God to speak throughout the day in many ways if I will just be attentive and alert and 3) the positioning of my heart matters in relation to hearing God speak (which ties in with 1 & 2 – expectation and desire). I’m sure that the encouragement of starting this course this week meant that I was able to sense God speaking at 3am and to weep over His love and mercy for me and for Katherine. I can’t say that I stayed in the place of peace and love as it took until 5am to get Katherine back to sleep, but I glimpsed His heart in the chiding and the anger as a parent and the overflow of compassion in response to the sorrow. Oh what a wonder that God teaches us His ways through children in the night hours! Thank you Lord!