Choosing God, not Feelings

There are times when life is going swimmingly well, or at least relatively smoothly, and there are times when you feel like you get whopped out of nowhere and the hit takes you down. This week has been such a week for me.

We’ve been getting settled here, continuing to transition to our new surroundings, routine, life here and things have been going okay. Yes, little bumps here and there, but generally pretty smoothly considering all the changes. But in the latter part of this week I felt like I suddenly sank under a great weight of depression and darkness. I didn’t want to do anything, go anywhere, be bothered with anything. I just wanted to curl up in ball under the covers and sleep, endlessly sleep. And I felt cranky with myself and with everyone else.

I tried (in vain) to figure out why I was feeling this way… perhaps it was this, perhaps that… maybe it was many things combined, maybe it was tiredness… and then I tried to think my way out of the depression. The more I thought the worse it seemed to get because I wasn’t getting anywhere. All I could see was a path that was sinking deeper and deeper into mire.

Depression and mental battles are not new to me – but it has been a long time since I’ve felt such a hit and such intensity of feelings. I know that there is victory to be had, that I can be on the winning side of the battle. Indeed, I know I should be, because God is! But there is a great tug to look at the feelings, to give in to them, to let them take over and just to sink with them. It’s very real. I am tired. And I don’t feel like I’ve got much fight in me right now.

But I recognize that I have a choice. And the choice I make matters. When David was surrounded by enemies at Ziklag (1 Samuel 30), and all had been plundered, and his wives taken, and even his friends turned against him, he had a choice. I’m sure despair tugged at him. I suspect darkness was encroaching. Yet he chose to encourage himself in the Lord. To turn his eyes to his God and not to the circumstances that he found himself in – which would have easily overwhelmed.

In Psalm 42 the psalmist cries out:

“Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation  and my God.”

Thank God for all those who have walked before us and who have fought through these battles and become part of the great cloud of witnesses who cheer us on. When I remember this it spurs me on to want to become one who chooses to hope again, to declare God as my salvation and my rescue, whom I will praise again. He is the same God who rescued David from his enemies and gave him victory. But David had to choose to trust. If he hadn’t he would have likely been overwhelmed by the circumstances and given way to the fear, despair and desperation.

One of the songs on my current playlist is ‘You Say’ by Lauren Daigle and the chorus says:

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me
I believe

God’s perspective is so different from mine.  He says His thoughts are far higher than mine. It’s easy when feeling downcast and discouraged to think that God has a negative view of me, to feel abandoned and lost. But it isn’t the truth. And that’s where I have to make a decision to chose to believe the truth in spite of what I feel, to remind my soul of the truth, to quiet the raging turmoil within and entrust myself into the arms of the Saviour who loves me and wants to free me, untangle me, deliver me and strengthen me to stand for the days that are ahead. Will I let fruit come from the battles I am walking through? Will I choose to trust Him in spite of what I feel? Will I encourage myself in the Lord, rather than let the feelings have their say in my mind and my heart? It truly is a battle.

It comforts me to remember that God is compassionate and He understands our weaknesses. He isn’t far off. He’s near to the broken hearted, near to those crushed in spirit. How many truths the psalmists wrote about who our God is! Take courage my heart! Stay steadfast my soul! There is a way through. And I’m not alone in the battle. Pr John Mulinde once said that you never know when you’ll come under ambush and how vital it is to have people around you (to stand with you, fight for you, pick you up, bind up your wounds…). I thank God that He has put me in His family. We need each other and can be a blessing to one another.

Victory IS coming!